I was driving through the north-east of Koh Samui, Thailand when I pulled over to an open-air Muay Thai gym on the side of the road. I got out of the car hesitantly, walked through the testosterone-driven gym, and sheepishly asked those training if I could have a go. I had just finished shooting a worldwide campaign for which they had asked me to lose as much weight as I possibly could. I starved myself for 10 days on a liquid-only diet, then got on a plane to Thailand for 10 days to decompress. I was an emotional and physical wreck, having suffered from anorexia for 15 years and living with body dysmorphia, anxiety, and depression since.
I fell in love with how Muay Thai made me feel. I found hitting those pads to be therapeutic. I came back every day and started to train twice a day. Before I knew it, a 10-day trip turned into a 9-month stay at the gym. I lived and breathed Muay Thai day-in and day-out – wake up, train, eat, sleep, repeat. I trained for two hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon, every day, six days a week.
During this time I lived without any material possessions – just a couple of bikinis, Muay Thai shorts, a sports bras, a pair of running shoes and some flip flops. I became so focused on being better than I was the day before to explore my potential and see how far I could go. Every day, through the struggle, I learned more and more about myself. It was as spiritually and emotionally rewarding as it was physically.
At 27 years old, for the first time in my life, I learnt to eat meals and finally developed a healthy relationship with food. I learnt that food is not a reward for starvation but is, in fact, fuel for your body. I watched my body change and discovered that I was capable of a strength that I never imagined. I gained weight. I gained muscle. I saw definition in my body I never thought I could achieve. I never thought I could even run a mile, and I was never capable of doing a push-up. I learnt that exercise is not a punishment for eating, but rather, something that is done out of love and respect for yourself.
I learnt about true confidence, the confidence it takes to step into a ring and face an opponent. Those moments when you need 100% self-confidence because even an ounce of self-doubt will mean you will probably lose. It’s the type of confidence that comes from total self-awareness: knowing yourself so well that you are aware of and accept all of your strengths and weaknesses. Every day that I train Muay Thai, I learn something that I can apply to the rest of my life. I am incredibly humbled on a daily basis. To be knocked down again and again and to be able to stand up and thank your opponent and accept that they are better than you is incredibly rewarding. We are all on different points of the same learning curve.
When you push yourself to your limits, you learn to let go of your ego. To have 100% confidence with no ego is enlightening. As my confidence grew in the ring, my confidence grew in myself and with my body. I watched my body change and I had to let go of the standard that I held myself to my whole life, which was derived from society and the unrealistic beauty standards of the industry. I let go of trying to strive for a thigh gap, protruding collar bones, and having narrow hips. I was now focused on being as strong and powerful as I could be. I learnt to prioritise my health. I learnt that I have insecurities, just like everyone else. And those insecurities aren’t going anywhere – even if you overcome them, new ones will come. So get used to them. Learn to love them. The more comfortable I got in my skin and with myself, the greater I could flourish. Muay Thai taught me how to love myself and that starts with respecting yourself and your body. When you respect yourself, you want the best for yourself.
You are so strong and capable of so much. Exercise is about exploring what your body is capable of.
Editor
Mia Kang ContributorCredit
Header image: Courtesy of Mia Kang
